Clik here to view.
I Like My Sabbath Like I Like My Coffee
The day started in one godawful manner. I was sleeping comfortably in my luxurious king-sized bed when my slumber was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of a lawnmower. I tossed and turned a bit,...
View ArticleClik here to view.
I’m Not Your Babysitter
Get this. I come home from work tonight, only to find a gaggle of slackjawed children on the sidewalk in front of my palatial estate. They were playing some kind of game involving crudely drawn chalk...
View ArticleClik here to view.
There Goes The Neighborhood
Can you believe this? A goddamn middle class family moved in down the street. Middle class! They inherited the house from Yule Umlaut, who made his fortune in steel. Having no heirs, Yule deeded the...
View ArticleClik here to view.
My Attorney Is On Very Thin Ice
I really need a drink. My lead attorney, Buzz Goldenrod, just called to update me on one of the many legal proceedings in which I’m currently embroiled, and the news was anything but good. “Oz? Buzz....
View ArticleClik here to view.
March Fan Mail
This won’t come as a surprise to those who follow the Nielsen Blog Ratings, but my little soapbox here has been a smash hit since it returned in February. The upside is, tons of topless pictures from...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Legally Speaking, I’m A Father
Yes, this is really happening. As a result of a recent settlement that enabled me to evade a host of criminal and civil charges stemming from alleged systematic abuse of my former houseboy, Kang, I...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Your Children Aren’t Cute To Anyone But You
Lucky me: it’s “Bring Your Children to Work Day” at Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs. Which means the office was crawling with an army of unsocialized, disease-infested midgets when I stumbled through...
View ArticleClik here to view.
No, I Do Not Have A Problem With My Bowels
I received an email today from a young lad by the name of Billy, out of Rock Springs, Wyoming. Billy wrote: Dear Mr. Carver: I’m a big fan of your blog and keep a picture of you above my bed, right...
View ArticleClik here to view.
This Doesn’t Surprise Me At All
Is there no penny so low that Comrade Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung won’t stoop to pick it up? Bad enough that he’s gotten his high-level connections in the Kremlin to rig two consecutive American...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Happy Birthday, Roe v. Wade
With apologies to Tracy Morgan, those who know me know that I have two hobbies: making money and getting girls pregnant. And by “girls” I mean paid sex workers. That being said, it would never do for a...
View Article
